Where Are You Positivity?

First off, happy Saturday everyone. Hope you have a fun weekend. 

Now on to more seriousness.. 

I adore blogging. Its a way for me to write anything and everything about my life down and not be afraid of getting judged. A few posts back I wrote about my struggles and I honestly didn't expect anyone to comment on it. But, I did get a comment and it made me feel like I am not alone. That other people do also have those sorts of feelings. 

I'm not going to sugar coat it. I lack in positivity, big time. My mind is filled with negativity and as hard as I try to overcome it, the thoughts are always there. For years I have been struggling to fit in with society as "the norm". The fear of being different and getting judged. Shiver! It had gotten to the point where I agreed with everyones criticism about me. I know. You're probably sitting there shaking your head at me. 

A few weeks ago, I realised that I have insecurities. Giving it much thought and time being upset about it all, I wanted to change. I know that when someone says they want to "change", others assume its for a guy. But no, I am doing this for myself. I have held onto so much resentment and anger from occurrences that happened in the past. And in all honesty, whats the point on being upset that happened years ago when there is nothing you can do to go back and fix a situation. I always compare myself to other girls and wish I was like them. "I wish I was confident like her....I wish I was pretty like her...I wish I was "popular" like her" When really I should be acknowledging my strengths and what I do have. I always think of the worst of situations and get disappointed when things don't go to plan. I always live in the future and never the present. 

Now, I didn't have an epiphany and wake up one morning and automatically change the way that I'm thinking and now I'm a brand new person. No. I came across a blog and after reading a couple of posts, I was seriously hooked. Marc and Angel Hack Life Practical Tips for Productive Living has made me realise that rejuvenating positive energy will give you a positive outlook in life. Life isn't meant to be hard. I bought the ebook and slowly reading through all the articles about positivity. I realised that I can't be living in the past or the future and that I should be more appreciative and grateful for what I do have now and how far I have gotten. 

Is anyone else suffering from negativity? What did you do to get through it? Is there anything that you're holding on to that you need to let go? 

Note To My Teenage Self

Dear Teenage Stephanie 

You still hate being called by your full name. Its too formal. I am no expert. I may only be in my very early 20s. But honestly, sit your ass back down and take note of everything I say that I have learnt in the years since your time. 

First off, you worry way too much. Stop taking everything to heart and being so serious. You have a tendency to please everyone first before making yourself happy. Shine out bright and show your true colours. You worry way too much about what others will say about you. Focus on your studies and aim high to get good marks in school. You will be regretting it later. Who cares about what people think of you. Those glasses you have in your school bag; wear them. Its a necessity now and you wear them proud. Looking smart is the way to go. 

When it comes to friends, stand up for yourself. Follow your heart and that nagging thought at the back of your mind, listen to it because it was right. Stop trying to make friendships happen. Get rid of that toxic friend who always brought you down. She is a downright bitch and that best friend of yours who you think you will be "BFFs" she moves on. As for the rest of the group, don't fall for their lies. I know you are hating that last year of school but when you graduate you won't ever see any of the people again who made it horrible for you. Get through the last weeks of school and all that stress will be gone. You will not have many friends but you like it like that to keep the true ones close. As for social media, get off it and don't believe everything that is being said online. Instead of fighting back from being cyberbullied, delete and block and ignore. It will make you more carefree and later on you wish you were able to do that and not worry. 

Boys boys boys. Ah, you need to chill out girl. You worry way too much about being without a boyfriend. As for that year you lost your virginity and you were so devastated when he broke up with you a week later, you should have seen it coming. Everyone was doing it and that boy just wanted to fit in and you were an easy target and fell into the trap. But its okay now, because without having that experience, it wouldn't have made you into the person you are today. Don't stress so much about having a boyfriend in high school. There are way good looking males out there and you will realise that honestly, the boys in high school were immature. I can't give you any good relationship advice as I'm still learning in my 20s. One thing is, don't be clingy. Guys hate a clingy girl and you had to go through a few bit of harsh times to learn from it. You are still learning at this age and trying hard not to be.

In grade 10 you are worried because you went through the whole job guide textbook and all but one job entitlement appealed to you. Don't worry, because you took that job description on board and graduated with a diploma. As for work, don't slack off. I know you hate working at that supermarket because you would have expected to be promoted to 2IC for being there for years. You are desperately seeking for a new job and you are getting frustrated. Don't give up  because you get the job where mum and your step dad got married. You love it and you enjoy working the functions. 

As for right now, you have embarked on a month holiday overseas around Europe. You lived out of home for a year with your brother but had to move back home due to finance stress. You learnt what its like to live away from the parents and have gain more independence from it. Your first car is in still working condition after 4 years. The parents ended up packing and moving from the house you never wanted to leave because you grew up in it. Now you live an hour and 15 minutes from that suburb. You own a Macbook Air and an iPhone 5 on a phone plan. You ended up hating doing prepaid. 

Smile, worry less, don't sweat the bad stuff. Some people will leave and others will stay. Work hard and good things will come to those who wait. 

Stay strong. 

The youngest photo I have of you. That blonde hair was not a good idea.

European Highlights - ROME!

Did you know that it has almost been a month since I've been home from Europe. Oh trust me. I am missing it a hell lot.


Rome; the hottest country in Europe. 

Unfortunately the Trevi Fountain was under maintenance and we weren't able to toss our coin into it, so we had to make do and toss our coin into the Piazza Navona Fountain. We had a walking tour of the city and saw some of the sightseeing buildings -- Spanish Steps, Pantheon.  I was still trudging along even though by this day I was feeling downright horrible. Sickness. I knew I was only going to feel much worse later on. The Pantheon was unfortunately closed when we walked past it around 5pm. I enjoyed watching the street performers busking away and I got yelled at by an Italian for touching his horse. I had no idea what he was saying aye. Evan took us to go see the Piazza Venezia and he was saying how out of place the Altare della Patria is compared to the other famous buildings of Rome. I had to agree with him there. 

Morning after, we had the optional of doing our own thing in the city or join everyone else and go see the Vatican City. I decided to save my money and go exploring instead. This time I had the chance to go inside the Pantheon and did walk past the Trevi Fountain but couldn't see anything because it was all covered up. By the way those cobblestones can really get you tripping over your own feet. By the end of the tour my shoes were all scuffed up. Evan suggested us to go back to the Vatican so he can take us all to his favourite pizza place right around the corner. I decided to be different and buried myself in a tuna pizza. Pizza in Italy!
Next on the agenda was the Roman Forum and the Colosseum. Now walking around all day in heat can get to you after a while and by the time we got into the Colosseum, I was so over it. I was done with the day. I was exhausted and sick as ever. This contiki cough can really bring you down. 

Tip: If you see people dressed up as gladiators outside the Colosseum and want to take a photo with you, they will scam you after.. 20 euros! I saw it happen to so many people.

The Vatican

Tuna Pizza

Roman Forum

The Colosseum

Now, now. Its not Contiki if you don't have a "I Heart Roma" party. That very night, we all wore our I heart roma shirts that we bought during the day and had a party down at the campsite. It was pretty awesome. We had markers and could write whatever we wanted on each others shirts. Definitely a keepsake. 

Next stop: VENICE!

Struggles.

The heading may be a bit dramatic. 

But do you ever feel like you have no one to talk to? 

No one to say how you are feeling or what is running through your head? 

Ever feel like you are trapped inside your thoughts and can't escape?

Right now, I am struggling. I have so many thoughts running through my head and I'm seriously freaking out. How is it even possible to freak yourself out?! 

I want to talk to someone. A friend. Someone who I know. But its difficult when they don't know how you are feeling. They might just tell me to get over it. I don't deny that I need to get over it but I struggle doing it alone. 

I am afraid. 

I am terrified of losing people. 

Especially those who I've only just met and want to get to know them more. 

I feel like I am pushing people away or scaring them when they see this side of me. 

I hate feeling this way. I hate being like this. I never act like someone I'm not. 

Theres a good side of me. And then theres the 10% side of me that is bad...well emotional. 

But because we are all human beings here, we tend to remember the horrible side of things and from that we reevaluate what we want in life. 

Why?

Why does it have to be that way? Why can't we cherish the good happy times and move onwards. Its always that small 10% that changes everything. 

I am insecure. 

What of? Life? Maybe. 

I have a low self esteem. I used to be strong. Well so I say I was. 

Then the teenage years happened

Oh the struggle of being a teenager and trying to fit in with the crowd. Now I struggle and yearn for peoples respect and for them to like me. Being trampled on by many others has turned me into an insecure woman. I get defensive. I may come across as a happy girl but I am insecure. 

I know hate is a very strong word. But I am really disliking myself. 

I am not happy with myself. I am not happy with who I am. 

I yearn for comfort and to be held. 

But whoever that person may be. Who you want them to be there fighting for you and helping you and just holding you. They pull themselves away from you when you need them the most. 

Thats what pisses the hell out of me. No one understands.

And this is what I struggle with every single time. 

Up The Mountains Wedding

Adventuring up the mountain we all went to reach the destination of a fantastic venue... Mount Tambourine 

Today two families came together and rejoiced in celebrating a very special day for two young people. Today was the day my oldest cousin got hitched. Now you might be thinking, on a thursday? But yes. Thursday was the day that my cousin decided to be wedded to her now husband. Story behind it, that this date 5 years ago was when they first met each other at a salsa dancing club. My cousin looked absolutely stunning in her dress. To be a little different this time, reception was a champagne breakfast buffet. I thought only the English do that. I've never been to a breakfast wedding before let alone heard anyone else do one. But nonetheless it was still an amazing day. 

 Spoiler alert! I was the emcee. The emcee. I mean what?! I dread public speaking. My leg gets a twitch my throat goes dry and I talk way too fast. Or maybe that was 4 years ago, because today I was surprisingly calm and collected. But was it an experience or what? Never done that before. 

It was so cold in the morning especially being up a mountain. But being the girl I am, I didn't want a jacket that will spoil my outfit. It's okay if the jacket looks good with an outfit but the jacket I had in the car most definitely wasn't. I know, I know. I am such a girl. But honestly you have to suffer to look good. And those shoes I was wearing, I definitely suffered. It was such a clear sky blue day and it slightly warmed up. 

I love weddings. I am so excited for September. At work we are having 3 double weddings. I seriously cannot wait to work them. I always have such a good time. Its so funny watching drunk people when your the sober one. I am slowly going to be working my way up the ladder to hopefully one day be a wedding planner. Now wouldn't that be fun?!