Struggles.

The heading may be a bit dramatic. 

But do you ever feel like you have no one to talk to? 

No one to say how you are feeling or what is running through your head? 

Ever feel like you are trapped inside your thoughts and can't escape?

Right now, I am struggling. I have so many thoughts running through my head and I'm seriously freaking out. How is it even possible to freak yourself out?! 

I want to talk to someone. A friend. Someone who I know. But its difficult when they don't know how you are feeling. They might just tell me to get over it. I don't deny that I need to get over it but I struggle doing it alone. 

I am afraid. 

I am terrified of losing people. 

Especially those who I've only just met and want to get to know them more. 

I feel like I am pushing people away or scaring them when they see this side of me. 

I hate feeling this way. I hate being like this. I never act like someone I'm not. 

Theres a good side of me. And then theres the 10% side of me that is bad...well emotional. 

But because we are all human beings here, we tend to remember the horrible side of things and from that we reevaluate what we want in life. 

Why?

Why does it have to be that way? Why can't we cherish the good happy times and move onwards. Its always that small 10% that changes everything. 

I am insecure. 

What of? Life? Maybe. 

I have a low self esteem. I used to be strong. Well so I say I was. 

Then the teenage years happened

Oh the struggle of being a teenager and trying to fit in with the crowd. Now I struggle and yearn for peoples respect and for them to like me. Being trampled on by many others has turned me into an insecure woman. I get defensive. I may come across as a happy girl but I am insecure. 

I know hate is a very strong word. But I am really disliking myself. 

I am not happy with myself. I am not happy with who I am. 

I yearn for comfort and to be held. 

But whoever that person may be. Who you want them to be there fighting for you and helping you and just holding you. They pull themselves away from you when you need them the most. 

Thats what pisses the hell out of me. No one understands.

And this is what I struggle with every single time.